The Dream

I can see the walls coming closer, my ceiling is moving down towards me.  My room is fast converting into a box.  With all my might, I try to push the walls away.  My palms start to hurt because of the pressure.  I struggle to stop the walls.  The faint light that used to visit my room is not to be seen.  This light was my friend, the tiny ray of hope that seemed to tell me that life hadn’t given up on me completely. I look around, but it’s nowhere to be seen.  All that remains is nothingness and darkness.  The darkness engulfs me, it frightens me, it seems to scorn and mock me.  The world I knew of a few years ago seems like a distant memory now.  The memory of happier times, when life was sane and fair; and light was by my side. It all seems unreal now…an illusion…

The room is small now.  The walls have not stopped moving.  The ceiling is still coming towards me, and is asking me the question that I have dreaded from a long time. “What went wrong? When did the light stop becoming my friend? When did I close myself to the world?  When did I become so hard and cold that nothing could touch me? What went wrong?  I seem to know the answer to the question, yet not know it.  The answer struggles to present itself to me.  I’m feeling suffocated and breathless now.  The walls have almost reached me.  I can’t move, or stretch. I can’t feel anything except numbness.  I am struggling to survive, to exist. 

I need to get out of this box.  It is a box now.  Not a room.  The walls and the ceiling are so close to me now, it can’t be called a room anymore.  I want to see the light, feel the breeze, listen to the sound of the birds, soak in the rain and watch the rainbow.  I want to walk in the cool green grass, watch the blue sky, hold a hand tight, and feel a heartbeat.  I want to break the bonds that surround me, and feel alive again.

“Anything but numb.”

I want to breathe, to feel, to live, to love.  I want to risk being open to life and its experiences.

“Anything but numb.”

Closed is dead. Numbness is nothingness.  It’s the absence of feeling anything. Numbness is bad. 

“Let me be free. Let me be me”, I shout and scream.  Tears roll down my eyes.  Hot tears. Tears of desire- the desire to be free. The desire to be me.

My alarm rings.  It has been ringing for a while now.  I open my eyes. My room is not a box.  Nothing has changed.  Thank God I’m alive, thank God I’m free. I can still feel, I’m not numb.  The light surrounds my room, leaving no room for darkness.  It was a dream, a dream that I hope I never see again.  A dream that masked the reality for a while.  A dream that made me wake up with the realization that it’s a blessing to be alive, to be able to see the light, to be able to breathe, to be able to start afresh.

Connections From Beyond

“Thank God it is a Friday.”, I thought to myself.  It had been a bad week at office and in general.  Work was stressful and hectic and it was just one of those times when I was feeling blue.  I desperately needed to cheer myself up.  My friends and I decided to meet up the next day and visit the beach.  The sea is a place which has immense power to heal and refresh the mind.  Just listening to the waves, allowing the gentle breeze flow past us is magical in itself.

I woke up early the next day, got ready, and boarded a local train to meet my friends.  A visit to the beach in the early morning was what we had planned.  The train was not very crowded and so I found myself a seat without much hassle. Most people were sleeping in the compartment, while some were in deep thought.  After some moments of silence I heard a frail voice near me. It was an old woman who appeared to be in her late eighties.  She was very thin and looked extremely weak; yet I noticed that there was a sparkle in her eyes.  She asked me where I was going and this is how we got talking.  After speaking to her for some time, I came to know that she lived alone.  Her husband had passed away a few years ago.  She had three children – two sons and a daughter, all of whom no longer kept in touch with her.  She was alone, old, sick, and had been rejected by her own children.  Speaking to this lady made me realize that she had an unbroken spirit.  She was a fighter, who fought against all challenges thrown at her by life.

She worked at an NGO which took care of orphaned children.  Being with children made her forget her problems she said, and helped her remain cheerful.  She narrated stories to the kids and they were extremely fond of her.  She was known as Happy Dadi at the NGO.  She had this amazing capability of keeping children engaged in her stories. She added humor, fun and a deep, meaningful message to every story she told.

Seeing her and listening to her was an inspiration.  It was surprising how she managed to be so positive and enthusiastic about what she did, and how she didn’t allow the problems of her life to paralyze her.

We spoke for quite a long time, and it was soon becoming time for her to get down from the train.  Her station would be arriving in another ten minutes or so.  She told me that she wanted to share a few things with me before saying adieu.  What she told me that day did transform my life and those words will be cherished by me throughout my life.  Let me share some of the things I heard from her that day.  She said that each person’s life is like a blank notebook.  What we choose to write on it is upto us.  Other people will force us to write our story according to their wishes.  Whether we agree to it or not is in our hands.  We should guard our book with all our might, and not allow someone else to write or draw something we don’t wish to see.  She told me that our heart speaks to us daily, but we are too busy to listen.  If we just follow what it says, our lives will improve manifold.  She also said that life is short and is passing by us.  It’s better to travel, laugh, eat, sing, dance, learn a musical instrument, and fall in love before it’s too late.  There will be people who will try to dampen our spirit, because they have a dull spirit themselves.  They are people who have lost their dreams somewhere along the way, and are not even aware of it. “Don’t listen to them. Fight for your rights, be a rebel if needed. Before long, old age will come and bring with it weakness and other challenges. Live life before that”, she said.  Her station had arrived and before she got down from the train, she told me to visit the orphanage whenever I was free.  She said my perspective of life would change by doing that, and this did happen. 

In today’s world, we are so occupied with our own lives. We don’t have time to appreciate the simple things of life, like watching the stars at night, going for a walk in the green, hearing the chirping of the birds.  Everything has become a race. We hardly take time to reflect.  We live in a world where we are always in touch with others through many apps and social networking sites. This lifestyle can sometimes leave us drained.  But when we take some time out and look at someone who is not as privileged as us, then we begin to stop complaining about our life.  We realize that no matter what, we are blessed. When we help someone in need, healing takes place within our self. 

Every time I feel I lack inspiration and drive, I think of the old lady and what she told me, and I put my life back on track.  My problems start to disappear or I at least have the strength to face them.Two strangers who happened to travel together by chance, had a conversation that transformed the life of one of them.  It is a miracle how we sometimes cross path with people who are unknown to us, and we feel connected to them.  We are able to talk and share with them much more than we would with many people we have known for many years. These are connections sent to us from beyond, and by opening ourselves to them, we make way for beautiful things.